I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i think i have two assholes
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Houston, we have a squirter
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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