well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
