I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
