Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Randomize
