just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
