umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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