I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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