I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
