I met the friendliest cop last night
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
your like the ambassador to my penis.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
A bitchslap is in order.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
