saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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