I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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