Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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