He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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