he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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