I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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