I puked a lego.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
