Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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