T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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