Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
