Will you blow on my dice?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
