if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
