There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Your penis caused this!
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