I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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