I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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