Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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