I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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