Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
