Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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