I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
