I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
false alarm, still single
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
