1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hell yes lets make some ravioli
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
