We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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