Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
