You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
is it fun? or sober?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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