DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
