My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
