FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
