can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize