My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
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I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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