mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
is wine microwaveable?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
