I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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