and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
