got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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