Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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