i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
