Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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