How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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