walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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