You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
