I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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