just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
