I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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