I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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