Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
