i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
