Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
