my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
