I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
