I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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