i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
My balls are so social today.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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