She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
