last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
