i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
