Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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