The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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